Back from the ditch

Things are looking a little brighter these days (knock on wood) and I am eternally grateful for my week of spring break - at first I wasn't very happy that Red's spring break started a week later, but boy, was I wrong ;)

Between walking her to school and fetching her in time for her afternoon snack and insulin shot, I had hours to myself and started new projects every day. Somehow I got into hand lettering, inspired by my last issue of Flow magazine, and started copying interesting scripts when out and about. A lot of our friends are having babies, so I went through my boxes of fabric, cut out the patterns, and made some bias tape. I need a last run to Joann's and then they are done - a very quick and cute project! And ever since I started taking pictures of my cakes and cookies for my family back home, I was thinking about taking a photography class, and guess what, I signed up for a Craftsy class in food photography. That is so much fun, it is almost embarrassing :) And of course, preparing dinner takes a lot longer now, what with all the pretty light on the tomatoes and the great texture of the salad ... 

This week Red is off and comes to school with me. She is such a sweetheart and enjoys working with the little preschoolers, helps prep the room for new classes, and shows how to tape the drums etc. It is nice having her there with me and seeing how talented and musical she is, but when we come home, I am pretty wrecked from the additional entertainment and diabetes management in addition to it all ...

We stopped at the library on the way to school (talking about last minute prep) and ever since she is reading every free minute. Right now she is attending piano class and I am sitting in the lobby of the community center, tapping away on my laptop, always within reach if she needs help.

This is quite different than I used to parent and it doesn't come easily - before her diagnosis she was very self sufficient and did her projects without checking in with anybody for hours on end. I loved getting a little me time and going about my day or hitting the gym after work, while she was playing with her friends at daycare.

Now I feel like the helicopter parents I always inwardly smirked about - always keeping an eye out, checking in with her frequently, knowing exactly what and how much she ate when and how many units of insulin that was. Playdates in the neighborhood now make me very nervous and that is one of the reasons why (for now) she only has playdates with her T1D friend from camp and we have a babysitter that has diabetes herself.

Her pump arrived yesterday and we are all very excited to get started - hoping, of course, that the pump will make it easier to stay within target range more often. She is still rollercoasting every day, only now we don't treat highs outside of mealtimes. Well.

I am doubly glad (can you say that?) that I started feeling a lot more like myself recently, battling depression and managing diabetes is just awfully hard. Keeping my fingers crossed that things stay well and I can be the mother I want to be.

Money, money, money

I feel sad, so sad. Diabetes changed our lives, more than we ever imagined. And it is such a constant struggle ...

I had toyed with the idea of leaving my job and trying to make money from home, maybe from my Etsy shop or private violin lessons. But I can never quit, ever. I had no idea how much the dexcom supplies are until I went online today to order more sensors. This will be about $400 a month. We need to talk some more with the diabetes clinic and I really hope that insurance will cover some of it. Oh, but the irony. We can hardly pay our monthly bills and taxes right now.

I wouldn't want to miss her dexcom, it does help me to relax during the night when I can see that she is holding steady within range, or that I can treat a low bg right away. We have been getting up between 2 and 3 am every night for over two months now. I'm so grateful that most of time my husband and I can take turns. It is rough when he is out of town and I fear our upcoming vacation in Europe when it is just Red and me, for that and many other reasons.

We try to fly to Europe once a year to see my family, and flight prices have gone up steadily, so that it has always been just my daughter and me. Usually I very much look forward to seeing them all, especially my grandparents, but now this gives me a stomach ache and I try not to think about it until it gets closer to the flight date.

Trying Paleo

This is our fourth day on the paleo diet. Frankly, I will try anything at this point to keep her bg more stable, especially in the morning. The first two days were great! She loves omelett, so this was not a tough sell for breakfast. I blended the eggs with spinach and added some cubed bell pepper, it was quite nice.

After that I got more adventurous and we tried chia pudding (almond milk, honey) with banana for breakfast, resulting in 57 carbs, and that was when her bg started to spike again, followed by a low. In the evening she was low again during dinner. And today her dex peeped in the evening again to signal she was low. I hate lows during the night. It is scary to think what might happen if we miss one. And she is not always happy to be woken up. Just now it took her a long time to come to and eat some non-paleo starburst and salt sticks with juice.

I feel down. Going paleo would have been too easy a solution, eh? Hopping the worry wheel, and I don't even want to think about starting a new school and work week tomorrow. It is so hard to try to take good care of her and go to work despite all this. We need the money. I wish I had a solution.

Juggeling the bg

Red has a cold, the first one since her diagnosis. And her bg is all over the place, way to high, then too low, than high again. Now that we have a cgm, we can see it all in a nice rollercoaster curve. She started complaining about a sore throat the morning my husband went on a three-day conference, naturally. We have no family nearby, so it's just her and me, 24/7. I am glad that she gets a good night's rest, because I don't. It is either the cgm beeping, the routine checks at 10pm and 3am, or her waking with a nightmare and needing a story about kittens and puppies to help her fall back asleep.
The next morning, we cancel school and daycare, let the school nurse and our diabetes clinic know, and I inform my school (I'm a teacher) that I won't be coming in, once again. I can feel the pressure building, I have been out a lot lately, Red was diagnosed two months ago. And so we drink tea, read stories, she watches a movie, plays with the dog. And I worry. It has been four days now, my husband is back, at work, and I feel like life as I knew it is over. How can I possibly take good care of her while holding down a job? Will we ever get more stable bgs or is that just how it's going to be?